A Question
- Thread starter Merpy
- Start date
Why are we still here? Just to suffer? Every night, I can feel my leg and my arm... even my fingers... the body I've lost... the comrades I've lost... won't stop hurting. It's like they're all still there. You feel it too, don't you? I'm the one who got caught up with Cipher. A group above nations... even the US. And I was the parasite below, feeding off Zero's power. They came after you in Cyprus... then Afghanistan... Cipher... just keeps growing. Swallowing everything in its path. Getting bigger and bigger... Who knows how big now? Boss. I'm gonna make 'em give back our past... take back everything that we've lost. And I won't rest... until we do.
I wonder does anyone actually believe me when i tell them "Im tired" when im really so depressed i can't even remember a time without my constant companion. Melodramatic I know for I am my own worst enemy, and critique. You asked, well here's an answer.
I pondered where it all went wrong, and there is no one action though i would a credit a high car payment as a contributing factor in my eventual bankruptcy. Which will be resolved in October hopefully. Reflecting on my own actions which in part led me to bankruptcy i cannot help but feel dispair, to lay oneself bare financially, every sin, bad habbits, flaw, and maladaptive behavior, and symptoms. It was me, unresolved baggage, day drinking, not partying but drinking alone every day. I quit drinking though i do not keep track of when, the first week was hell, my parents saw my withdrawl symptoms, i wanted to cry as my hands shook as i tried to fill out bankruptcy paperwork. I lost 40 pounds after quitting booze and my weight keeps dropping off.
My parents like any, wanted the best for me. Distance and time made me a stranger to them, i still am in a way. I tried to make my parents proud, things fell apart in my hands. Often i wonder if they resent me still, i need to forgive and move on, they're trying really hard to fix things with me, but the distance and time, makes things harder. My parents are getting old, i swear ive heard the "Son, one day i wont be here…" speech so many times, but now it seems so much more real, not just a Spectre of poor health but the ultimate truth, all things must come to an end.
Over last week my cat my only constant, had a bite wound on his head become infected despite cleaning. So 300$ later which isnt that bad for ER vet, he got a shot of antibiotics, and some antiinflammatories. Hes doing better now, i like to hold him, he helps ground me in the present, it helps alot. Im just glad hes still alive.
It feels oddly good to trauma dump this to near strangers, the anonymity of it all, the things i wouldnt tell my friends how bad it really is. Should i tell them? Then again theres not many left to tell, over time we all just went our separate ways, we all change in our own ways, time marches on. Thanks for reading.
I pondered where it all went wrong, and there is no one action though i would a credit a high car payment as a contributing factor in my eventual bankruptcy. Which will be resolved in October hopefully. Reflecting on my own actions which in part led me to bankruptcy i cannot help but feel dispair, to lay oneself bare financially, every sin, bad habbits, flaw, and maladaptive behavior, and symptoms. It was me, unresolved baggage, day drinking, not partying but drinking alone every day. I quit drinking though i do not keep track of when, the first week was hell, my parents saw my withdrawl symptoms, i wanted to cry as my hands shook as i tried to fill out bankruptcy paperwork. I lost 40 pounds after quitting booze and my weight keeps dropping off.
My parents like any, wanted the best for me. Distance and time made me a stranger to them, i still am in a way. I tried to make my parents proud, things fell apart in my hands. Often i wonder if they resent me still, i need to forgive and move on, they're trying really hard to fix things with me, but the distance and time, makes things harder. My parents are getting old, i swear ive heard the "Son, one day i wont be here…" speech so many times, but now it seems so much more real, not just a Spectre of poor health but the ultimate truth, all things must come to an end.
Over last week my cat my only constant, had a bite wound on his head become infected despite cleaning. So 300$ later which isnt that bad for ER vet, he got a shot of antibiotics, and some antiinflammatories. Hes doing better now, i like to hold him, he helps ground me in the present, it helps alot. Im just glad hes still alive.
It feels oddly good to trauma dump this to near strangers, the anonymity of it all, the things i wouldnt tell my friends how bad it really is. Should i tell them? Then again theres not many left to tell, over time we all just went our separate ways, we all change in our own ways, time marches on. Thanks for reading.
Still missing her sometimes, tis a tough and sad world we're in. Hope you're all doing well, or at the very least doing better <3
Appreciate you Merpy, this is a weirdly nice thing to do
Appreciate you Merpy, this is a weirdly nice thing to do
